No good

I’m not a good Mum. I want to be but it’s days like today that I know I’m not cut out for it. I want more children, but I know that if just the one is causing me this much trouble, then I wouldn’t manage a second. Not to mention it would be cruel to the child.

Right now we’re going through a spiral of crises. He’s being more rebellious because he hates being indoors so much, he’s simply bored. He’s clingy. He has learnt how to use/destroy a lot more things, such as open the fridge, turn off/mute the TV. His eating habits are different…. It’s all so infuriating because it’s continual and yet this is normal. I’m complaining about stuff that is normal, and that makes me really sad. For him and for me.

I know I’m too strict on him sometimes and too lax others, which isn’t helping, but I’m so tired that I can’t seem to improve the situation. I’m being lazy. You can’t be lazy and be a good mum. Certainly not a good wife. There’s so much to do around the house but I can’t do any of it because he’s so clingy. And it’s not like I can do anything. You’d think you just need to spend time with him doing what he wants, but he wants me to watch a TV program with his favourite character continually, or watch him play but not standing, sitting. Or simply be there with a breast out so he can stop playing and come over when it’s convenient. I’m not needed, I’m wanted, and though that’s a lovely thing, to be wanted, I’m needed around the house and by my husband. I’m needed to cook lunch while he works from home, I’m needed to clean up so we can do activities, or so he can use the space. It wouldn’t take long. An hour tops. But he won’t give it to me.

The frustration at the mess is causing more stress. I’m getting irritated more quickly that he won’t listen to me or is being selfish. On nights like tonight, I see it. I’m no good. Tonight he wouldn’t sleep. His bed time is later now because he’s inside and not tired, but tonight he wouldn’t sleep. I tried everything and he wouldn’t. He was visibly exhausted, but wouldn’t sleep. Him going to bed at 9:30pm now only leaves me a small amount of time to clean and cook a little something for me (hubs has usually eaten by that time, Kyouya won’t let me sit and eat) and have just a small amount of ‘me time’. I didn’t get to have any of it today because he didn’t sleep til past midnight and I’m so frustrated I’m sleeping on the couch. I have spent so much time with him, trying to give him the attention he needs and he has spent the day screaming and complaining it’s not good enough. But this is normal behaviour for a child.

It makes me very sad when these times happen, because as much as I want a second child, I know that I must avoid it as best I can, because I’m no good. I can’t do it. I love my son and I love children, but I’m just not cut out for it.

There are good days and bad days for all of us, but the lack of improvement in my mumming makes me really depressed. I’m still a beginner, but so much so it’s embarrassing. I hope that how I am doesn’t damage my boy emotionally. I hate how I’m not what he deserves. I’ll keep trying, but for now I just gotta try to accept that a second child isn’t an option. I’m simply not cut out for two.

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