Working Mummy worries

I had my job interview today. I have high hopes. It’s a great job and in a great place. Considering how difficult it is to leave your child in the care of someone else, I couldn’t do it for anything other than the best job that I loved.

But I worry. What am I gonna miss if I get this job? He’s extremely attached recently as I’ve tried to go to my current job more, and often cries for ‘Mama’ when I’m not there. I’m terrified that leaving him with others will cause him damage in the long run. That this is heartless. I mean, is it really necessary to do this?

We’re getting by, sure it’s tight and kinda paycheck to paycheck, but we’re ok.

Truthfully I don’t wanna leave my baby right now, but I know that this would help us all and take some pressure off daddy. I’m not the only mum to work nowadays. I just need to make my peace with it.

Tomorrow I’ll get the call about the job, and if I get it I’m gonna go at it full throttle and then make the most out of my time with Kyouya. It’s going to be heart-wrenching but there are so many good things to be said about the position and the benefits for the family. Especially since my outgoings are minimal and they pay all expenses. My entire wage packet would go to family savings! Not to mention bonuses and weekends off with the family. I’ve just gotta keep positive, and give all the love I can to my baby when I see him.

It’s so hard… I love him so much.

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You know you’re a mum when…

  • You arrive to work with cuddly toys in your handbag
  • You don’t notice the sick stain on your shoulder
  • You can fall asleep in ANY position to avoid waking your child
  • You frequently don’t know what the date is, and sometimes not even the day.
  • You no longer care if you’re wearing makeup to go out.
  • You put more effort in finding coats that cover up the state of your clothes, than clean clothes if you’re going to the shops.
  • When you consider 4 hours of solid sleep, amazing
  • If you can pick up an inordinate amount of things using your toes while baby is strapped to you sleeping.
  • You can now make clothes white, though you still don’t know how you’re doing it
  • When you don’t care about getting peed or pooed on, just that you lost this round

These are just today’s, but feel free to comment with your own and I’ll put them on the next list and credit you for it.

The battle for “mama” and “dada”

For those of you who know, hearing your child call you mama or dada brings unbelievable joy to your heart. There’s nothing like it… But which will they say first?

My boy recently said “mama”. He’s been saying it for ages and seemed to refer to me, but we got it with understanding and feeling on camera yesterday. I was overjoyed. Usually children say “dada” first because it’s easier to pronounce, but I got super lucky. But now daddy is a little sad and naturally a bit jealous. I think there’s a good chance he’ll cry when he finally says it to him, but yesterday he said “dada”!

Now it was the first time he said “dada” so I was stunned and didn’t get it on camera as he hasn’t repeated it, but I told his daddy. He’s even more eager to hear it now! So today my task is to encourage tiny person today dada as much as possible. I want to see my husband’s face light up as much as mine did.

But for now I’m gonna see if this tyrant will let me sleep a bit more, cos I’m shattered.

Can you have a cake and eat it too?

No one understands crisis of character like a new mother. Previously you could put yourself either first or pretty high up on your list, but once you’ve got a baby, all that is sidelined. That’s not to say you never put yourself first again, it’s just the priorities change. You want to go out with a friend for her birthday, but baby comes first. You want to go out for a meal or to a movie, but baby comes first. You want JUST ONE MINUTE of peace and quiet, free from worry, but baby stops that too. Don’t get me wrong: it’s worth it, but there are times where it’s harder to let things go. The other day I was faced with such a dilemma.

I found a job.

And not just any job! One I loved! It was perfect for me, exactly to my skillset, close to home, rewarding and had loads of extra benefits on top! But what about baby? Impossible right? Not to mention, typical bad timing… But I couldn’t leave it alone. I decided to apply and explain everything about my mini person in the covering letter. I didn’t want to regret not trying. I resigned myself to the fact that I was never gonna get it, especially with so many non complicated applications, and 70 other applicants. But I tried. You have to remember who you are underneath being a Mum. True to that go getter worker bee I applied and smiled that I didn’t just give up a dream.

They called.

4 days after I submitted it, I get a phone call. It’s a telephone interview! It’s excellent! He’s explaining everything and the more he says, the more I know this job was made for me. But what about baby? We talked in length and he made it clear that arranging care for baby was the only obstacle and something we’d talk about at a face to face interview, set for later this week!

I cannot believe my luck. But what about baby? He’s 4 and a half months, but he’s already calling out for mama when I’m not there. I wouldn’t be starting just yet but is it too cruel to start a full time job so early? It’s as nursery staff but there’s no guarantee my nursery has a place available for him. There’s forms to fill, people to call and oh so many obstacles. So do I have to choose between being a good mum or my dream job, or can I be a good mum AND have my dream job. Or am I worrying too soon considering nothing is signed yet?

Stay tuned, we find out Wednesday 27th March.

In the deep end

If every mother looked back she’d remember two very specific days. The first is the one where you realise EXACTLY how difficult motherhood is gonna be, and the other is when you realise you’ve been managing much better than you ever thought possible.

The first realisation happens very early on, once you’re home from the hospital. Your body hurts from the birth (natural or c-section) and there’s this tiny screaming person who won’t stop screaming, no matter what you do.

My realisation was about 2 weeks after the birth after one week in hospital and once my mother in law went home. I was exhausted, walking around the bedroom with the tiny screaming lump at 3am, a lump that cried if I put him down or stopped moving. I was exhausted, in pain, and blindsided by how ill prepared I was. When I was younger I had helped my mother with my newborn baby brother. He was twenty years younger than me, but for 4 weeks I was the one who stayed up through the night, did nappies, fed him etc. as my mum was too ill. I thought this would give me an advantage, that it would prepare me for motherhood. Nope. I never appreciated how much childbirth took out of you, nor how much hearing your child cry would tug at your heartstrings. Nor, indeed, how frustrating it would be that you couldn’t calm your own child.

The second realisation is much nicer. For while the first can plunge you into deep depression, the second lifts you up out of it. Maybe not all the way but it’s amazing. My second came around ten weeks. I’d been managing all my son’s needs without much difficulty for at least two weeks, and I hadn’t noticed. There was a routine in place, I was even making packed lunches for my husband, and using new recipes online to make dinner! It was uplifting.

I think my point from this post, is that though there are times where you feel like a failure, and there are days when the frustration seems too much; there are always days where you notice a success. However small, there are successes and none should be ignored. We are all Mumming at Beginner Level, so give yourself a break: you’re doing great.

Stay happy mums!

Kyouya – 1, Babysitter – 0

So today while I’m working, the babysitter has put my boy in the jumper thing so he can “dance” along to music. He loved this so it’s a great idea.

Sadly, after a while, his attention was drawn to the one toy on that jumper he has yet to figure out: the turtle. Basically you push the turtle down and loads of beads spin around. Thing is, despite showing him countless times, Kyouya has decided there’s a higher chance it’ll work if he stares at it and growls. The mind is a wonderous thing, but that has yet to work and Kyouya ends up crying. Usually we turn him to face a different toy and he soon calms down, but not today!

Poor babysitter knew what I do, and also tried to turn him to face a different toy. But he was adamant he’d play this one. Eventually, in floods of years, he put his hands up to be picked up out of it.

But upon being held in her arms, he looked at her disappointed and said “mama” before punching her in the nose. Dazed, she put him down. She’s wiped her nose, which seemed to be running, and discovered blood. Not a river, but enough to warrant a tissue or two. Apparently she thinks he was sad I wasn’t there, and punished her for it.

Either way:

Kyouya – 1, Babysitter – 0

Impressed Mummy

My little munchkin has been dancing! In his bouncer naturally (he’s advanced but let’s not be ridiculous).

At this age dancing is just lots of bouncing, but here he was dancing to LSD songs. The thing is, since then he has listened to them again but is no longer excited by them. Looks like he’s just like his daddy and only likes watching things once. But it’s nice to know he enjoys a variety of music. We’ve had him listen to classic rock, old pop and new pop, as well as classical.

P.s. maroon 5 – he was dancing to ‘Sugar’ IN UTERO. It was the first time he moved strongly. That has to be some kind of record. He always quiets down if we’re playing it and wiggles wherever he is! Youngest fan ever!

Some things don’t change

Despite having created a routine to help our tiny tot sleep, there are some days where it simply doesn’t work. This is no fault of our own, or the child’s really, it just happens.

Tonight is one of those nights. Fed, clean and ready for bed, but ardently resisting the sandman. But like every mum, there’s a trick or two you have to help them give in. No, not Calpol, though I hear it’s excellent; I’m talking about baby carriers, songs, stories, patting on the bum, swaying, and so much more. Mine has always been weak to the baby carrier so no matter what, he’ll fall asleep in that. It’s second only to the power of boobs. However… This power can be undone and is conditional. After he has fallen asleep I must sway for a firthfu twenty minutes before putting him down. I also can’t take him out of the baby carrier until AFTER he wakes up for a midnight feed or he will be back at square one.

I know all this pacing and swaying is doing a lot for my figure, but I wish it would do something for my exhaustion.

30 smiling strangers

So, here I am walking home with my headphones in and little Kyouya in the pram, and people keep smiling at me like I’m cute. Thing is… Kyouya is facing me, not them, so I can only assume that I’m accidentally humming to the music occasionally.

Fast forward 30 more smiling people and I start to wonder how loudly I’m possibly humming despite self control. Kyouya is just chewing on his hand and HAD been constantly staring at me the whole time, so I’m now CONVINCED I’m accidentally mouthing the words or something so, I take my headphones out.

Holy. Crap. Despite having his hand in his mouth, Kyouya is babbling REALLY loudly and must have been for the whole walk. I’m both relieved and embarrassed… At least I wasn’t singing.

Horny cat strikes again!

Late the other night I made a split second decision to run to the shops for a few things, rather than wait until the next day. Everything was great until I rounded the corner and was face to face with horny kitty!

I caught it as it made another lap of our house. We paused. I wasn’t sure what to do and neither was it. I mean, does it think I have a captive horny kitty, or is it attempting to fit in to our family? I have no idea, and waited too long to do something so he ran off around the back of my house again. I looked around for a few minutes and wondered if, by waiting at the front of the house for it to finish another lap, whether or not I could scare it and maybe make it stop hunting our baby.

It got a little weird though…. My neighbor was outside. He often has a cigarette outside but I didn’t spot him. So there I am hunting a horny kitty, ducking down behind a gate in the hopes of catching this thing off guard, when I catch a glimpse of the cigarette and stand bolt upright. It was humiliating. I dashed inside after a sheepish smile, but nothing will erase that… The things we do for our children eh?