Can I really do it?

There are good days and bad days as a parent; but mums take a lot to heart. Especially in our reactions. This makes us question whether or not we’re good mothers.

We all get irate every now and again when our tiny tots are unreasonable. Lately my boy has been acting out more outside of the house. It makes day trips much more tiresome. Usually it’s not enough to get me down, but if you combine it with other irritating things, you can quickly lose your cool. (See ‘aaaaargh! Another day Mumming’ for a good example).

The other day though, it was a surprise in house stressor that got me. Despite sleeping well usually, this one night he woke up every ten minutes for FIVE HOURS. Not hungry. Not wet. No fever. Nothing. And after a week of irritating day habits and little sleep, I was angry. I was grumbling about how he must hate me since he won’t let me sleep, like it was actually intentional. And once I’d gotten a full half hour and woken up… I really felt bad. I want more kids. But if I can’t keep my cool in such a simple situation, I can’t manage more. And I’m certainly a bad mummy already.

I bullied and beat myself up over this for days and convinced myself that I shouldn’t try to have more children because I was immature. But I’m wrong. Mums we may be, but we’re still human. It’s completely ok to get frustrated and angry when your continuous unwavering efforts are met with stubborn resistance. We can put up with a lot but there are times we need a break, either to sleep or do something we like. Time for that glass of wine or beer. Time to scream into a pillow too! We deserve to be able to do that too.

No-one is perfect at this.

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Aaaaaarrrrgggghhhh! Another day Mumming.

(DH = Dearest husband, DS = Dearest Son)

Today DH and I decided we wanted to move house. DS decided today was the day to practice being an asshat. This made the whole process SO much more delightful.

Let’s start with asshat, excuse me, DS. Adorable though he is HE, like all babies, can be very demanding at certain times. DS LOVES trains so you can keep him occupied watching the scenery… But if you stop at a station it becomes trouble. He stops watching and now you’re the focus and he remembers he’s in the baby car and not being carried by Mummy! It is usually possible to distract him back to looking outside, but that wasn’t possible today… I’ll explain more later. Then when we finally get to the housing agency, he becomes the fussiest baby he’s EVER been. More than newborn cos he moves more. He punched me in the face, and made my lip bleed; he also kicked me everywhere and grasped hands full of muscle and skin wherever he could find it and dug his freshly cut nails in. I have so many bruises just from this morning, it looks like my husband is violent. Thankfully he starts fussing for something I can identify and I change his nappy – (but not before losing my cool and punching a big pole because the station toilets were unbelievably inaccessible, and after an exhausting battle to get there, I had to give up when faced with YET MORE stairs. And then I burst into tears when DH suggested we walk further than necessary to find a baby change room, because I was so frustrated)…. Breathes a calming breath
When I finally got him into a baby change room, it was a poo. Not bad, but it became a nightmare. I had prepared as usual, but after cleaning him half up, he kicked the dirty nappy onto the floor. ‘butter side down’. I started to clean this up and was just about to put the new nappy on him when he peed. Twice. Everywhere. He got all his clothes, the door, the floor, the changing table, all of his body AND me. I called for DH at this point. We cleaned up and washed him best we could before redressing him. It was thankfully the worst of him for the day, but you see why I punched the pole.

Ok, so DS was a douche, but he wasn’t the main reason I was getting so irritated, though he didn’t help matters.

He’s cute… Really cute. Not just ‘I’m his mum’ cute, like 15 grown women screaming “kyaaaaaaaa” like they’ve just seen their favourite boy band topless, in person. That wasn’t today, that was outside his daycare and rather funny, today it was old ladies. Now they’re not entirely at fault. DS is a flirt. But when the HELL did I say you can come up and squeeze his legs, arms and cheeks?!?! I mean I kept having to go outside and walk him because he wouldn’t settle in the housing agency, and on EVERY walk a new batch of old ladies would swarm me and DS to coo, ask the same old questions about his age and crap and then feel him up!!! I mean seriously?! I know it’s not flu season but have some boundaries! One lady even interrupted our dinner and serious discussion to play with him! THAT’S why I punched the pole… Cos it was gonna be an old biddies face at the rate they were coming. How they had the courage to approach me I’ll never know. I was wearing ‘resting bitch face’ with a side of ‘your relatives will never find you’!

Am I the only one who doesn’t like people poking, squeezing and prodding their kids? I mean, at least ASK!

DH counted 15 that approached while we were together (not counting distant cooers, like on the train who distracted him from looking outside), and I counted 22, from when I started counting. This can’t be a normal level of fussing. Do I need to up my game and get a tear drop tattoo?!

Finally we get to looking at apartments. They’re good, DS falls asleep. They kept telling us that places were no longer available though, so we thought they might be lying, because they were all still online. We went through a different agency, ours heard and contacted us. They’d caved. They showed us it. Apparently another couple said they wanted it but hadn’t put up any money yet. We could steal by giving money first. We looked at the place and loved it. We’ve put the down payment on it too. It’s really close to both our work places, very close to the centre of Osaka and extremely reasonably priced. It’s gonna be a bit of a rush organising everything and we still have the tiny problem of getting confirmation that we can give one month’s notice at this place without problems. But as long as that works out it should be ok.

If you’ve read this far, thank you and I hope you got a laugh or two. Reading back it sounds almost like a slapstick comedy XD I feel much better…

You know you’re a mum when (2)…

I started out trying to write all the things that came to me recently for this and eventually the most relevant was:

  • You know you’re a mum when you’re too exhausted to remember what you were doing five minutes ago, and can only think about what you have to do next.

These last two weeks have been quite trying on me. I managed one fantastic day of housework and cooking, but since then it has been going downhill. Things are great, but there’s so much to do I can hardly remember what I should be doing.

I have two job interviews this week, the first of which was today and I hope went well, but I have another one on Thursday for a different job, and doctors appointments, cleaning, packing for our holiday, shopping for food, folding and putting away the mountain of clothes and so much more I can’t remember right now.

I’ve multitasked before but never like this. Now that I’m Mumming It, I’m drawing out strength I never knew I had. It may be tough, but I can manage it. I’m exhausted from my boy changing his sleep routine again, and baby proofing now he’s about to crawl; but I somehow still have energy and patience.

There are days when I feel it’s too much, but I still pull through. I’ve only got one tiny person and it’s a challenge. I salute all women with more, and hope that I’ll find new strength when I have my next one.

Babysitter down

It has been a turbulent week this week resulting in a complete inability to post. There were good things and bad things so let’s look at them.

I worked a lot, but sadly Kyouya hasn’t been sleeping so I’m simply up several times throughout the night. It’s not nice going to work after 4 hours of regularly disturbed sleep, but there’s not much you can do about it.

We also had baby daddy’s birthday this week, and that was nice. We had to celebrate over several days considering everything, but the highlight was probably the Karaoke. I hate singing in front of anyone, but hubby managed to persuade me while he stood holding our tiny person. As I sang Adele’s “hello” he fell asleep! The tiny ball of energy fell asleep in a karaoke room while I murdered a beautiful song! Children are weird but this was oddly flattering.

The biggest issue this week was probably my babysitter. She has been a rock, bless her, but my tiny fat boy has gotten the better of her a few times this week. Wanting mummy, he gets clingy to her in my absence and often screams blue murder if you put him down. Since neither of us are fans of the “cry it out” method, it has meant a few long hours trying to calm him down in the baby carrier. Now if that wasn’t enough, she suffered two injuries this week saving my son from injury. One fall injuring her back and knee, another, only on Sunday, a day and a bit later, falling down and somehow almost decapitating her toes! Yeah, you read that right… without ANY sharp objects she somehow bent her toes completely back on her foot, and split open the back of her toes… I considered uploading a picture, but since I nearly vomited, the faint of heart may easily… Well … Faint.

She had four stitches in one toe and three in the other with extremely likely nerve damage. Despite many bets waged, she didn’t break ANY bones. Those betting blame her hypermobility and say they were cheated. Being among them, I naturally agree lol. But were it not for her sacrificing her foot as her knee gave out, my son could have suffered terrible injuries in such a small space. So this may mean I cannot work anymore until we get him into daycare, but on my part I’m just glad she’s not any worse and I’m eternally grateful that he’s ok.

I’ve struggled privately with lack of breast milk due to my working, and his new found fondness for food. But when I come home he always rummages for boob, so they’re still best quality it seems.

I’ve also been struggling on the job front. If I find a job I like I invariably don’t get a response, and jobs I don’t like come in spades. It’s a nightmare. As I’ve said previously, I have to love a job if I’m going to leave little man to do it. Just gonna have to keep looking.

Milestones were a-plenty this week. He managed to get his bum off the floor in crawling, only 3 seconds but now all we need is to move forward! I have high hopes he’ll be steady all four wobbling in two weeks.

More than anything I hope things start getting easier soon. I hope you all are well too.

Determination on the home front

While mums are amazing in their own right, juggling housework, spouses and children, working mum’s deserve a little extra kudos. Juggling the above AND a job is extremely difficult. Generally speaking you must sacrifice any time you’d usually rest for the sake of the family.

Naturally a mother’s grasp on the housework, and indeed work, rest on the welfare of the family and her own body. If she or another family member are unwell, it will be impossible to keep the house exactly at her preferred standard without an even higher than normal output.

Recently, I’ve been swamped with work. I’ve also had a persistent cold. And then there’s the baby going through a growth spurt who wants 100% attention. The house looks awful, I won’t lie. But it’s ok. I know I’m doing my best. What’s more is I don’t even have it that hard. With only one tiny person to look after, I’m much less pressed than other mothers, working or not. Once I have 4 and a job, I’m sure I’ll fully understand exactly how difficult is and how hard mothers work.

Until then, I want to say “well done” to all you full time mum’s and working mum’s. You’re doing an excellent job and I live in awe of you every day.

Please make some time for you today, you deserve it.

You’re not fooling anyone!

Remember when you were a kid, when you didn’t want to go to bed? How you’d be active and try to convince your parents you weren’t tired, even when you were… And you wondered how they were never fooled? I get it now. It’s so obvious we may as well have attached flashing neon signs to ourselves saying “I’m sleepy!”

Kyouya will babble and get hyperactive whenever he’s tired. He’ll get really chatty in a desperate attempt to convince you, he’s not tired. More than that too, he’ll cry if you put him in the baby carrier. The baby carrier will win out over sleepy baby EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It may be a few minutes, it may be 30 if he’s determined, but he WILL sleep. If I put him in it he knows I’ve caught onto him, and will cry as I put him in, but will immediately quieten down once strapped to me. It’s comfy after all!

It may be nothing much, but it makes me smile that I’ve solved this little childhood mystery. There will be more 🙂

Fever pitch

Net silence from me for the last few days following a fever that wouldn’t quit. Once you become a mum, usual resting rules don’t apply. You are needed by the tiny person who can blow raspberries with his mouth, and thoroughly enjoys it. So what would usually be a 1 day cold, spread over FOUR days, from initial scratchy throat to final phlegm farewell.

Throughout any sickness, your number one fear is always “will the tiny person get it?” Not only because you’re worried for them, but because a sick child is about as much fun as a guy with “manflu”. The key distinction between the two is that those with manflu go out of their way to tell you how awful they are feeling, children may cry but they hardly explain what’s wrong, and thus second guessing will drive an already sick mummy mad.

I got lucky. For although I was sick, little Kyouya stayed healthy. No sign of a fever, no nothing! And today my fever FINALLY broke.

Although I can’t be sure, I’m certain my worrying about little man’s health kept my fever stronger for longer. Hard though it is, I’ll have to remember to not let my mind get carried away, and deal with sick mummy pronto. You’re no use to the tiny person if you’re out of action long term.

Take care of yourselves! Xxx

Milestones on a schedule

Now that it’s April I’m working full steam. It’s a slow month, but I still have to be AT work sadly. But we’ve moved Kyouya onto solids.

What does this mean for me then? Well, besides having to strictly supervise my husband’s feeding frenzies, in which he gives him WAY too much unless I’m breathing down his neck, it also means that my little one’s tummy is having a rough time, and needs mummy to help relieve gas and other delights from the land down under.

So far this has meant he has woken up for winding a few times, but otherwise he has been sleeping better. The only thing is that, so that he can relieve his wind before bedtime, I need to get back home earlier. Not only this, I don’t want to miss out on the horrified grimaces and joyful smiles as new flavours are introduced!

He tried carrots yesterday, but daddy didn’t wait for mummy to get home… Mummy was very angry. Especially because, despite the video showing it, I wasn’t there to witness my son experiencing a new flavour. I would have loved to see it LIVE, as my son decided carrots are not for him! Instead I get the video version.

Because of my firm determination not to miss anymore feeding times, I have started altering my work schedule. I’m lucky my job allows for this, which means I will have to be careful when deciding on a future job, in order to avoid missing more special moments than are necessary.

Everything centres around my boy and all the thoughts and concerns swirl around constantly in my head, creating a nonsensical soup of words.

I hope this soup didn’t give you a headache!

First food!

We fed him his first solids today! We went for watery, mushy rice and he LOVED it. He was extremely confused at first but eventually became very sad there wasn’t anymore food. Naturally we have him a single spoon today, but in stages and he eventually got the hang of it. He even cried for more.

We spent a month deciding which food to make him first, and eventually decided we’d start bland and work to yummier foods. I’m looking forward to finding out his likes and don’t likes, especially since it’ll be dominating my time from now on.

I’ll let you know how it goes! Kyouya is almost 5 months but is super big at over 20lbs, so nearly twice his birth weight. Comment on how old your little one was when you moved to solids and what you chose as the first food!

Hairdresser fun!

I’m extremely lucky in that my nearby hairdresser (20 minute walk) is both good AND has a babysitter that doesn’t cost extra!

Yesterday, I needed to get my hair done, my roots were showing and it looked awful. I had mostly golden blonde hair with dark brown roots. Honestly embarrassing, but a regular occurrence you just have to get used to as a busy mum. Thanks to the salon though, I dont have to live with it too long.

After a lot of consideration I decided to change the blonde, and sent for a more white blonde on recommendation. I also went from mid length to my old favourite, the pixie cut. It looks great.

So far I’ve been told I look younger and thinner! I had no idea I was looking old and fat, but thank God it’s over lol. Now, I love it, my friends love it, my husband loves it… What about baby.

It. Was. Hilarious. I got a glazed staring face. He clearly didn’t recognise me at first. Then he seemed to realise a little after I spoke, but wasn’t convinced. Half way home he refused to stay in the pram anymore, and screamed in a way that showed he was convinced he’d been kidnapped. I put him in the baby carrier and he calmed down, obviously recognised my scent, and he fell asleep. It’s a day on and he’s still not convinced. He has been breastfed several times and stuff, but he seems a little unhappy still. It’s hilarious watching the amount of confusion a simple cut and colour does.

Lucky for him I’m gonna keep it this way for a while, it’s so cute. See for yourself!